Daily Archives: December 25, 2009

Quotes with a Holiday Punch

December 25, 2009
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“How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few his precepts! O! ’tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.” – Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1757. “Jesus wasn’t a Christian, and he never preached in a church. He was also a drinker, and liked to hang out with sinners. We think of him very highly in the Church of Stop Shopping. We put him right up there with Lenny Bruce.” – Reverend Billy Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. – Lenny Bruce “To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.” – Don Schrader “Christian fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.” – Andrew Lias “The problem with fundamentalists insisting on a literal interpretation of the Bible is that the meaning of words change. A prime example is ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child.’ A rod was a stick used by shepherds to guide their sheep to go in the desired direction. Shepherds did not use it to beat their sheep. The proper…

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What’s Christmas Without Poetry?

December 25, 2009
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Seasonal Greetings…or not. THE GUY IN THE JESUS SUIT (Another holiday rerun by ‘popular’ request.) The guy in the Jesus suit occupied space at the end of the bar exuding waves of beneficence and winey fumes to all and sundry. The suit fit comfortably, 38 Regular, relaxed-fit pleat pants, with a seven-and-a-quarter halo on the side. He muttered of Old Testament doom and it wasn’t even Sunday. “I’m only here to fulfill prophecy,” he remarked to the bartender, who was taking his money from the bar. On the jukebox Bing began to croon ‘White Christmas’ and Jesus started to say, “I’m very disappointed in you all,” he turned to me and glared, “As usual, you people just got it all wrong: I was actually born in June, and died at the end of May.”

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Karl the Contortionist Extortionist: A Twisted Christmas Tale

December 25, 2009
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Karl the Contortionist Extortionist: A Twisted Christmas Tale

This tale first appeared a few week’s ago in the Literary section. The editors at Lutin Muse thought, since it has a slight political flair, it might “brighten” the season for readers on the front page. Written by Ye Olde Scribe Come gather round kiddies for a quaint little Christmas tale featuring the skeleton of a certain Karl, visitors, an Ant and so much more socked into our stocking that Santa is going to have to be told to “go stuff it” somewhere else. It all happened around Christmas time. Many Christmas times. Once upon those many times ago there twere a twisted little man named Karl. No, he really was twisted: everything about him. His arms, his legs, his neck; even his intestines were twisted, which fits right into Scribe’s story. But Scribe will save that twist for a bit later. Karl’s ethics were a little twisted too, somewhat like Scribe’s, only far, far worse. Scribe’s only ethical twist is he likes to make you wait for the punchline. And this is all a bit of an allegory regarding another rather twisted “Karl,” but let’s keep the story non-partisan for now, OK? OK??? Well, anyflusie…

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