Daily Music SelectionJust a little Sunday fun-day stuff, strictly for laughs: E.R. Cases “Every day, people come in and you just think, ‘You gotta be kidding me’,” says a Florida emergency room doctor. “I mean, what makes a guy think using a fish hook to clean out ear wax is a good idea?” With that, some information about why people go to the E.R. in the United States, as purportedly collected by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. – In 2001, a 33-year-old man suffered severe burns after dropping a lit cigarette into toilet filled with oil and water on which he was sitting. Girlfriend was trying to surprise him for birthday by cleaning his motorcycle and dumped old oil and gas-soaked rags in toilet. He was surprised. – In 2001, a 40-year-old woman complained of severe discomfort after using barbecue grill lighter fluid as feminine hygiene product. Claimed she was “freshening up” before backyard party. – In 2002, a 59-year-old man shot wife’s foot with .22-caliber rifle after mistaking her ‘bunny head’ bedroom slippers for ‘varmint’ at 3:AM. Foot was only grazed. – In 2002: “Patient is stable and recovering well after literally catching a bus. Patient grabbed back bumper and…
Dear Tattlesnake: What is wrong with the GOP? Do you know? Signed, Worried in VT Dear Worried: The International Journal of Psychology claims that 20 to 25 percent of the population in any modern industrialized nation has some degree of serious brain damage or crippling psychosis. In America, we call those people ‘Republicans.’ Hey You Turkey Boy: The Rethuglicans are thieves and liars and the Democants are wimpy and can’t get anything done and third parties are a total joke. So who do I vote for? Signed, Who Gives a Hairy Crap in WI Dear Who Cares: Anyone who opens an email to a stranger with ‘Hey You Turkey Boy’ and signs themselves as ‘Who Gives a Hairy Crap’ isn’t someone who should be voting. Put your mind at ease, what’s left of it, and stay home on Election Day. Dear Mr. Tattlesnake: With this new Supreme Court ruling that gives Constitutional rights to corporations, I incorporated myself. Now if I commit a crime, can’t I just dissolve the corporation before they put me in jail? Signed, Del Inc. in Delavan Dear Del Inc.: Good idea, why don’t you try that. I’ve always wondered who goes to jail when a…
In the spirit of the late Mike Royko’s Slats Grobnik, here are comments from the unFoxed Vox Populi: – L.A. Mike, who was born and lived in Los Angeles for most of his life, on the Republicans paying $2K for simulated lesbian bondage at the Voyeur Club: “What wrong with those dudes? It’s really stupid. For half that price in L.A. you could rent a motel room, hire a couple of hookers, see the same show up close and join in if you felt like it. You’d even have enough left for a bottle of some primo liquor. That’s really a stupid waste of money.” – V.J., a small business owner for over 20 years, on Obama’s tax plan: “I’m a middle-class small business owner and everybody was telling me, ‘watch out, Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!’ I just got my tax forms back from my accountant and I’m paying $800 less this year than last, and he specifically said it was thanks to two deductions Obama put through. If this is Obama’s big tax increase for the middle-class, keep it coming!” – Anna, who worked in state government for 20 years, on Sarah Palin: “I don’t get it …
Not included on this list is the college professor of Bill Gates’ who purportedly told him to stop wasting his time on computers; the expert who told Ben and Jerry few would want to buy their fancy ice cream; the experienced restaurateur who told McDonald’s franchiser Ray Kroc there would be little national business for a drive-in that only sold hamburgers, French fries and soft drinks; the various publishing houses that turned down Mario Puzo’s bestseller “The Godfather,” one ‘expert’ claiming that no one wanted to read gangster novels anymore; and ‘Bush’s Brain’ Karl Rove erroneously forecasting Republican gains in 2006 and 2008. And, of course, we have the various business gurus and sage economists, from Suze Orman to Alan Greenspan, who never foresaw the collapse of the US housing market and our lengthy ‘Depression Lite.’ So much for expert predictions; you’re better off tossing a coin. Expert Predictions Seen at Jumbo Joke “The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” – Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project “There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.” – Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 “Computers in the future may…
One of the best, and funniest, responses to crazy-coot Pat Robertson’s dingbat allegation that Haitians made a pact with the devil (see video below) comes by way of the Letters to the Editor section of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and was written by Lily Coyle of Minneapolis. Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of…
And How the Big Media Speculators Got It Wrong Again The usual Big Media Punchinellos were out in force the past few days, blaring and bleating the Beltway Conventional Wisdom that the Democratic Party’s loss of the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey are a sure referendum on Obama Administration policies. This is the sort of doomed facile reasoning found in the bottom of a Washington cocktail glass typical of Our Pundit Class who, from non-existent Iraq WMD to Fred Thompson’s popularity with voters, can never seem to fit the square peg in the round hole, pound though they might. A brief review of the Dem candidates in VA and NJ clearly shows why progressives and like-minded independents didn’t bother to vote for Creigh Deeds in Virginia or Jon Corzine in New Jersey, and it had nothing to do with Obama. For various reasons explained below, they were both terrible candidates. Creigh Deeds: In an era of change, Deeds was a shambling throwback, a dismal campaign clunker with four flat tires, who rejected Obama’s advice and help until it dawned on him in the final weeks he was going to lose in a landslide. He ran a miserably negative…
Beck Says He’ll Be ‘Available’ for Republican V.P. Slot in 2012 But Presidential Candidate Must Meet His ‘Core Principles” By Don Van Vliet Special to the Times October 3, 2009 WASHINGTON Controversial Fox News Channel talk show host Glenn Beck announced Friday evening that he would be “available” to any Republican Party presidential candidate in 2012 to “run with them as their vice president.” Speaking on his television show, Beck added that he would “guarantee victory in 2012″ due to his “enormous, insane popularity with all of America.” “Hundreds of millions hang on my every word,” Mr. Beck boasted, “and I can get them out to vote for anything.” There were several caveats to his offer, however. Mr. Beck said he would only lend his support to those candidates that embraced his “core principles.” Among those principles, according to Mr. Beck: the community group ACORN, the American Civil Liberties Union, cable television network MSNBC and labor unions must be banned, in the “name of preserving our precious freedom.” He also advocated a “Fair American Voter Equalization” plan, which would mean that a Democrat or other opposing candidate would need three votes to equal every one vote for a Republican.…
Remember, Kids, Freedom Isn’t Free: While I would never support censoring anyone’s freedom of speech, I think there should be special conditions for those in the right-wing media who regularly abuse this right by using it to spread outrageous fabrications and misleading distortions. Following are a few suggestions: – Sean Hannity should be required to do his program in between regularly scheduled televised waterboarding sessions, say at 30-minute intervals every time he’s on the air. It’s could be like the half-hour time mark, “This is Sean Hannity and it’s exactly 8:30 brggghhhh — arrggghhhh, STOP, STOP!!!!” This will end when Sean admits waterboarding is torture and quits show business the next day. – Bill O’Reilly should have to do his show without a teleprompter or a script. Also, every antagonistic guest which would constitute his entire guest list — would be a complete surprise that O’Reilly would have to deal with on-air in ‘real time’ without preparation. Oh, and the guests would all wear Keith Olbermann masks. This will stop when O’Reilly admits he uses a teleprompter and a script to do his show and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’ll also have to stop ambushing people with…
