The Stalking Onion

Southern Tier “News” — NYS’  administration is pursuing a plan to allow controversial business practices in portions of several struggling New York counties along the border with Pennsylvania. Permits will be issued only in communities that express support for the programs.

The plan, described by a senior official and others with knowledge of the administration’s strategy, would limit these newly legalized business practices to the deepest areas of rural poverty in an effort to reduce the risks to more elite areas of NYS.
Even within that southwest New York region — primarily Broome, Chemung, Chenango, Steuben and Tioga Counties — prostitution, sales of alcohol to minors, sales of body parts (primarily kidneys and liver) would be permitted only in towns that agree to it and would be banned in State Parks, nationally designated historic districts, and before noon on Sundays. There is a proposal to allow for OTB betting on drag racing on Main St, in towns where more than 30% of businesses have been shuttered, or in abandoned strip malls.

The officials spoke on the condition of anonymity because – well –  just because

The strategy has not been made final and details could change, but it has been taking shape over several months. It would be contingent on receiving final approval from state regulators, a step that is not a foregone conclusion but is widely expected later this summer.

Since that announcement, the Gov’s administration has been deluged with tens of thousands of e-mails and letters mostly objecting to the idea that the State would only protect the health and safety of citizens in wealthier neighborhoods. Protesters have become a regular presence at the Capitol.

The Gov’s administration is now trying to acknowledge the economic needs of the rural upstate area, while also honoring the opposition expressed in some communities, and limiting the ire of parents, who worry that these practices could be hazardous to their children. The administration had initially expected to allow 75 prostitution permits in the first year, but now expects to reduce that to 50. Area hospitals are being surveyed to determine if they can safely handle a steep influx of transplant patients.

(This is satire – obviously this is satire)