“First in the series of Tales told Based on True Stories Ripped from the Headlines.”
True Headline:
Fire hits Palin’s church in Alaska
“‘Craft’ ladies escape.”
YOSNS (Ye Olde Scribe News Services)- Friday night a suspicious fire struck Appallin Palin’s church. No common sense survived, not that there was any there to begin with. A “craft group” escaped, bringing their cauldrons and pig snouts with them. Sarah the Shrill, wasn’t present.
It was reported that in an interview she claimed:
“Why should I be? Their attempt to ward of demons didn’t do me any good. Maybe they should have reached in and ripped the demon out instead: the one that makes me wink all the time and act like an insufferable, ignorant, twit. Now leave me alone. I’m eating my ground turkey burger, fresh off the ‘I just pardoned you’ assembly line where they also shoved in the GOP elephant just before the election.”
It is reported she had stopped by Saturday to apologize for the mess she caused during, not the fire, but the whole royally f___ed up election.”
Ye Olde Scribe faithful reporter, Flyondawall, interviewed the church mice. The head mouse, Mr. Mighty, said, “God warned us in advanced, so we vamoosed. He left a note that also read, ‘I’m tired of this whiny hag before her time spreading lies about me, and her shrillness. And I thought Noah’s daughter was bad, ‘playing’ with the animals and such? The violated porcupine is still undergoing therapy up here. So, anyway, I shoved a thunderbolt at them. I’ve had it up to my holier than Pat Robertson robes with these creeps who keep claiming I bless them and their inane prayers. ‘God, please abort my daughter’s baby,’ ‘kill that Black bastard,’ and ‘can you multiply ham on rye for us instead of eating this tasteless host?’ What a bunch of needy asses worse than the one my Son rode in on. Hey, ‘Jack’ the ass was a saint in comparison, horny little four footed freak that he was. But no where near as horny as Palin and her little brats from that pit from Hell; her womb.”
When asked if they had gotten any further notes after this zap the annoying twit gig once he had cooked the church medium rare; well done in some places, the mice claimed God did write a brief apology…
“Damn myself, I missed. My timing has been off. I’ve been too busy laughing at George Carlin’s jokes about not believing in me. Sorry about destroying your home and all, but I hear Junior’s fake ranch will soon be available. Watch out for cheese attached to snappy wooden things.”
“Love: Your Creator and Bestest Buddy,”
“God.”