The End Time Gazette

Welcome to the former End Times Gazette where we still celebrate the coming end time! However the all powerful, all knowing Lord/Allah needs our help. How can he be both all powerful and all knowing and still need our help you might ask?

SILENCE, INFIDEL! BE QUIET HERETIC!

We had hoped religion would bring on the End Times. We had hoped fanatics claiming to be atheists would bring it on. We even expected Germany and Japan to bring it on. All to no avail.

We expected it during the Dark Ages, the Great Depression, the plague… so many holy, blessed points in history. But somehow sinful, decadent humanity survived. Therefore our change of name and purpose: we are now actively helping to raise the next generation to help Allah, help Jesus, exterminate poor pitiful infidels, heretics, kittens and puppies. Especially cute puppies and kittens. EWE.

 In this issue…

• Fracking: see how the blessed frackers are rushing the end times by shoving God’s holy poisons down planet Earth’s Lemiwink-ish anus and enabling the divine’s effort to destroy the world with fracking inspired earthquakes that shakes our world down to the very… core. Written by in house writer Mickey MANTLE
• Corporatism: who says corporations have to give a damn about humanity, be safe, treat workers with respect and not put them into unnecessary dangerous situations? As our future president would say, doesn’t profit TRUMP all? Well except if it’s profit from that pansy solar, or wind power. How the corporations are people trend has created super people who have more rights than anyone else. How they’ll rush the end times with worldwide profits at the expense of the planet, like those obtained through “Frack U: all we care about is the bottom line” policies. How scams and dishonest marketing serve Allah and Christ. By in house writer CEO Daddy Warbucks
• Bought politicians: how they enable the end times. They are many. How to marginalize, even take out, those who refuse to be bought. We’re talking about you, Bernie. Watch your back. Written by Hillary and Donald.

Welcome to our reader’s letters forum. Please keep comments up to the highest, most fanatical level, as represented by the worst, most homicidal of those who claim to be of either faith. In Jesus’ name we pray, praise Allah.

Dear JCMJJ,

I am young, inexperienced, and have been chosen to be a martyr. I don’t know what to wear under my bomber’s vest. Should I get as many infidels around me with my sexy red dress, or dress more traditionally?

Milwaukee, WI

Dear Milwaukee,

   Whore! Slut! Take off that red dress and simply wear an overcoat. When you flash infidels you’ll confuse them and as they ogle. Maximum carnage will follow. Then you’ll be one of the many virgins given over to some deserved male, for you obviously need to know your place.

JCMJJ

Dear JCMJJ,

I AM FURUS ABUT THE MERDER OF INNOCENT BABIES AND HAV DECIDED TO TAKE OUT MY LOCEL PLANND MURDERHOD I GOT A WINCHESTER .22 FOR CHRISTMAS AND PLAN ON FINDNG A HI POINT ON AN ORIFIC BULING ACROS THE STRET  AND TAKING SHOTS AT THE PEPLE GOING IN N OUT.

GOOD PLAN?

MAD IN ATLANTA

Dear MAD,

   Bad idea. You might just maim them. A bigger caliber gun with high velocity, hollow point, ammunition would be better. Armor piercing, cop killer ammunition even better, just in case murderer protecting pigs show up. But here at JCMJJ we want you to be a success. Please message us with address and we will ship you a bazooka. Free of charge.

                                             Vengeance in the name of Christ,

                                                             JCMJJ

Dear JCMJJ,

We are writing this out of concern. We go to an alternative school, Kenny is Methodist, Jimad is Muslim. We are concerned about all the hatred, all the fear, all the killing. We are good friends and wonder what we can do to stop it all, to help us get along. What would you suggest?

Jimad Alaba and Kenny McCormick

Knoxville, Tennessee     

Dear Infidel and Heretic, ,

   You are both what is wrong with America. Now we know the name of your school. Stay right where you are. We’re sending a sniper and a martyr. We want to be sure you’re taken care of so that blame will go to both faiths.  

JCMJJ

Das Ist Alles

   Ye Olde Scribe is a trademarked attempt at humor. Sometimes Scribe succeeds. Sometimes he fails. Sometimes his DNA is altered by aliens. Sometimes he alters their DNA. Sometimes a hot dog is just a hot dog, sometimes it’s Kosher, sometimes not. Sometimes a hot dog is Oscar Meyer’s wiener. And sometimes a hot dog is actually a Trojan Horse in a bun. A Trojan Horse filled with microscopic Trojans, Trojans filled with cocaine, that then burst open and then WOAH! That was a RUSH!

And sometimes Scribe is funny. Sometimes poignant. Sometimes both. It’s your mission, Mr. or Ms. Phelps, to figure that out.

This edition of Scribe will self destruct in 12 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… DANG. Scribe ran out of fingers.