By now there’s hardly a person left anywhere who has not been impacted by the epidemic of assholes that is claiming more victims daily, a virus of unknown origin that has turned so many people into complete assholes, men and women who weren’t known to be such assholes before they were stricken. And, now a full three years since the sickness began to be noticed, the widespread effects of this plague are raging across our country and around the world.

Clearly, the proliferation of assholes is a major health problem, both for those who suffer from it, and for the nation where it appears to have originated and been incubated, perhaps in a lab. Thus far, science has no vaccine to cure the Asshole Plague, as some have called it. We don’t even know how to ameliorate the symptoms. Thus far, the only known ways of mitigating the disease are a) social distancing, and b) testing.

With that in mind, a group of scientists, doctors, and epidemiologists has devised the testing mechanism below to help you determine if you or someone you know may test positive for the Asshole Virus that has become so widespread and so virulent, destroying the brains and hearts of Americans beyond counting, not to mention people in other countries like Brazil, where many support Jair Bolsonaro, or the Philippines, where they support Rodrigo Duterte.

There are 32 questions in the test below. If you, or someone you love, tests positive, make haste to the nearest emergency room. Since there is no known cure, they won’t be able to help much, but they will keep those patients off the streets and out of the bars for awhile. That is important because no one suffers from Asshole Disease more than those who aren’t yet assholes themselves.

Should the result of your test be negative, that means you’re almost certainly not an asshole. The test is not infallible. If, however, you are thinking of getting married or even engaging in sexual intimacies, you would be well advised to have your prospective partner take the test before doing so. All too often, assholes beget assholes, and you really wouldn’t want to be s party to that, would you?

So take this test, for the good of your health, and to relieve or confirm the worries of those who care about you. If there are no such people, that may also be an indication that you carry the infection.

Clinical Diagnostic Test for AV (Asshole Virus)

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