If you want Republicans to vote for universal health care or anything else beneficial for the average American, just name the bill the Investigating Domestic Instigators, Objectors and Terrorists (IDIOT) act and it will sail through Congress. Make the bill thick and wordy enough and you can guarantee no Republican will ever read it past the title.

— The Republican Constitution and Bill of Rights: The GOP is drafting its own Constitution and Bill of Rights in Cheneys private bunker. However, to protect national security, since Islamofascist terrorists and other enemy combatants might find some loophole like habeas corpus or due process to defend themselves in court, its exact contents will be classified and kept from the public. So, you’ll still have your Constitutional rights, you just won’t know what they are!

— Conspiracy Theory of the Week: Shady sources who have been hitting the bottle claim that two Swiss scientists have found a cure for cancer; it involves a two-step process of altering the genetic structure of the cancer cells. Step One is a simple injection that turns off the cancer’s ability to replicate itself; Step Two converts the cancer cells into a bacteria similar to a cold germ, which can then be safely and easily disposed of by the body’s immune system with no deleterious side effects. Supposedly, terminal sufferers of inoperable lung, colon, and stomach cancer have been completely cured within a few months. So why isn’t this miracle on the market? Seems the two scientists have been trying to sell their treatment for the better part of a year but are finding no takers. The process is relatively inexpensive to produce and they were told by someone in one of the drug companies that their product will never come to market current medications and hospital treatments for cancer are a multi-billion dollar international business and no one wants to kill that golden goose in return for a cancer cure that requires two outpatient visits and less than $500 bucks worth of chemicals. Sure, Big Pharma and the medicos could charge $50,000, $100,000 or more a cure and get it, but they know government would eventually step in and force them to do it cheaper. Besides, look at the PR problem you have a cure for cancer and you’re letting people die because they can’t afford it? The barbarians would be at the gates demanding your head on a pike. Better to stay with the current oil-company-profitable system that no one questions. Would large corporations let people suffer and die from the ravages of cancer and chemotherapy just to make a profit? You haven’t been paying attention have you, Binky?

— While we’re on the science front, another rumor claims that a US Big Pharma company is bringing a diet pill up for FDA approval this year that will knock all other diet pills and Weight Watchers out of the ring. Allegedly, this magic bullet raises the metabolism by a factor of as much as ten, quickly turning Bluto into Olive Oyl, without the sex change. In tests on morbidly obese people, those a hundred pounds overweight or more, the test group lost tons of weight, without adjusting food consumption or increasing exercise. What this means is, you can eat pizza and ice cream all day, stay rooted to the couch, and still lose 50 lbs. a month, unless you have a really bad heart or are elderly and infirm. Seems what the pill does is race your body’s engine, kind of like idling your car at 70, and it quickly burns off fat, even if you do nothing. The downside is that, if used too often or for too long a period of time, it will give you a severe heart attack. For this reason it will likely be approved as a prescription medication only but, once it gets out, we’ll have a nation of stick-thin Supermodels shoveling down ten thousand calories a day. Other side effects apparently include the possibility of depression, stroke, edema, kidney and liver problems and the dreaded anal leakage, but you think that’s going to stop the majority of Americans who want to down three Big Macs a day with fries and still stay svelte?