Watch out, he’s petting his peeves again!

Messages scribbled on Post-It Notes that were giving me a brain-ache until I wrote them down.

Note to Abraham Lincoln, wherever he is now:

It’s just as well you’re not around today. The idea that Haley “Yazoo City” Barbour and Rick “Secesh” Perry are Republicans would no doubt give you severe apoplexy followed by a fatal stroke anyway.

Note to George Washington, wherever he is now:

Good thing you’re not around, either, to see this 21st century bobblehead-doll America where a good portion of the politicians and electorate, abetted by the dumbed-down corporate media, have forgotten how to read, especially where the Constitution and the Bible are concerned.

Note to Arianna Huffington:

A quote from Balzac seems appropriate: “Behind every great fortune there is a great crime.” Take a couple of million from the $315 mil you got from AOL and throw a few bucks at all the people who worked for free to make your website worth selling. BTW, I can’t find even one person who thinks your AOL merger is a good idea or cares to read your website again. Prediction: the AOL-Huff Post is toast.

Note to Clarence Thomas:

What would you think is a conflict of interest for a judge — a defendant handing you an envelope stuffed with cash right before you voted on his case? (Or has that already happened?) Don’t ask Scalia what your opinion should be on this one — he doesn’t know what a conflict of interest is, either.

Note to Rupert Murdoch:

I guess we should thank you for hiring the mentally-challenged to work in your media empire. I mean, where else would certifiable meatheads like Steve Doocy and Glenn Beck find jobs?

Note to Allstate Insurance:

Stop abusing the English language by claiming you ‘protect’ your customers from mayhem. All of the things depicted in your TV ads would still happen, even with Allstate insurance. The only thing you can do is promptly pay to repair the damage after the ‘mayhem,’ but you can’t ‘protect’ against it occurring in the first place.

Note to Glenn Beck’s Goldline Coins:

If gold is such a great investment, far superior to paper money, why are you selling your gold in exchange for cash money that will, according to your pitchmen, inevitably go down in value? Why not just keep the gold?

Note to the Republican Party:

Okay, the more realistic among you know very well you are a minority party beholden to talk show hosts and a fringe nutcase base, and you can’t win national elections with that 20-25 percent of the American electorate. If this were a parliamentary system, you’d be three separate parties: the Corporate Libertarians; the Christian Theocrats, and the Dixie Racists, none of whom would be able to dominate the nation’s politics. You also have no credible candidates that could beat Obama. If I were a Republican (and thank Jebas I’m not), I’d be shaking in my tasseled loafers.

Note to the Teabaggers:

Although I have great fun lampooning you, I was gratified that some of you in Congress voted against your party and tried to kill that unconstitutional PATRIOT Act. Good for you!

Note to Tea Party Volunteers:

Sophisticated grifters at the national level are scamming you local tea party volunteers. According to this report, the Washington-based national leaders of Tea Party Patriots, for example, are paying themselves fat salaries and none of the money they collect is going back to the local groups. Isn’t this the kind of corruption you said you were against?

Note to Herman Cain (founder of Godfather Pizza and CPAC speaker):

Your political views are as unappetizing as your tasteless cardboard-crust pizza. Stop being a selfish cyclops only thinking about your tax cuts now that you’ve made some money and consider the impact of your lowered taxes on the poor bastards who buy your lousy food.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.