Glenn Beck: “Hand, you are my only friend, the only one who always agrees with me and loves me without question. Hand, I will always stick with, and to, you forever.”

Wolf Blitzer: “Somebody adjust my pole NOW! Adjust the pole NOW!”

Tom Brokaw: “Shay, where doesh Russert keep hish got-damned vodka hidden?”

George W. Bush: “How can they say I’m not popular- just look at this crowd of smilin’ people applaudin’ me. Okay, what time do we leave the Rose Garden and go make that speech at the Heritage Foundation?”

Poppy Bush: “It’s a hell of a way to show your oldest boy you disapprove of him, I say”all this chumming up to Bill Clinton and endorsing John McCain and so forth” but it must be done and when something hard must be done, I’m just the gent to do it.”

Hillary Clinton: “This poll says that most voters think I’m too bossy, calculating and harsh. You people better find a way to make me look authentic and soften my image or you’re all fired!”

Larry Craig: “It’s always ‘use a condom, Larry, use a condom, Larry’ with guys like you” like I do this all the time in men’s rooms or something.”

John Gibson: “Gee, I wish we had a War on Christmas all year long.”

Mike Huckabee: “Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle built for two” where the hell is the goddamned Christian base hiding?”

John Kerry: “I’m going to help Barack fight for every vote” just like I did in 2004!”

Rush Limbaugh: “You boys take your clothes off while I put some of this special sugar in the Kool-Aid. Yeah, heh, heh, ‘sugar’.”

Chris Matthews: “You gotta nice smile, kid, you gotta gorgeous face, what are you 16, 17 years old? You gotta big future — you’ll do good in the TV business. HAH! Here, turn around so I can get a good look at your backside…the twenty bucks is on the dresser.”

John McCain: “Did I have an affair with that lobbyist in 2000? Wow, what a sex machine I was eight years ago!”

Barack Obama: “Don’t forget: Cleavon Little DID clean up that town.”

Keith Olbermann: “One more Britney Spears story and I’m buying the sniper rifle.”

Bill O’Reilly: “You know, the blacks they have this new thing they call the blues, or maybe the rhythm and blues – I think I’ll try it out but, if it isn’t up to my standards, it may be time to fetch the rope.”

Dan Rather: “Crap, next I’ll be doing the jewelry report on the Home Shopping Channel.”

Tim Russert: “Who’s got my vodka? Who the hell’s got my got-damned VODKA?!”

Brian Williams: “Bring me my eyebrow grease, pronto!”