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May 16, 2011
GE Announces Plan to Build Nuclear Plant in NYC
By Luke Hiken

The General Electric Corporation today announced its plans to build a nuclear power plant on the former site of the Twin Towers in downtown Manhattan. “We’re very excited about the prospect of building the plant in such an historical location,” explained the CEO of the company. He added that inspiration for construction of the plant was thought to be a patriotic antidote to the otherwise un-American suggestion that a Mosque be built at that location.

 

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission endorsed the plan, and expressed its confidence in the plant’s safety. The Commission also pointed out that the plant would bring enormous profits for the corporation’s Board of Directors. Eight of the nine Commission members, having previously served as GE employees, praised the corporation for having no documented record of unwarranted radiation leaks in any of its U.S. plants, at least none that they could recall. When asked if there was a conflict of interest in having so many ex-GE employees on the Commission, many of whom were still receiving pension benefits as a result of their previous employment with the corporation, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, so aptly depicted in the movie, Inside Job, pointed out that the only individuals capable of serving in many government positions were people who had learned their skills working for the very industries they were hired to monitor. Paulson refused to elaborate regarding any questions addressing the supposed independence of regulatory agencies.

GE’s press secretary pointed out that the likelihood of lightning striking twice in the same place was so remote as to render the Twin Towers site virtually impregnable. Furthermore, obtaining property of that magnitude in downtown Manhattan was basically prohibitive for any company or business that actually had to pay taxes on the property.  Because GE’s tax department was larger than that of the Internal Revenue Service, GE was certain that it would continue to reap huge profits, while never having to pay a penny in taxes, state or federal.

Fox News broadcast a panel discussion with 64 nuclear “experts,” all of whom underscored the perfect safety record of GE constructed plants. They explained that unlike Fukushima, the plant in the U.S. would be run by Americans, not Japanese, and therefore the possibility of the sort of disaster that just occurred in that country was simply non-existent here. “This isn’t Russia, or some foreign country,” the GE press secretary, asserted. “Our plants are built with American know-how and parts. As soon as the products arrive from China, we assemble them right here at home,” he explained.

Another advantage of building the plant in downtown Manhattan was the ease with which the city could be evacuated in case of an unlikely emergency. Mayor Bloomberg explained that “New York has one of the best functioning public transportation systems in the nation, as well as an excellent network of highways and waterways, assuring multiple avenues of exit, if such an event were to arise.”  Furthermore, the location had the additional advantage of providing free lighting to the entire city of New York, were there to be a significant radiation surge.

There was a lengthy discussion about the possibility of permitting large groups of visitors to take tours of the facility, but Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pointed out that many Muslims visit New York City, so that possibility was “out of the question.” The government of Israel strongly endorsed the construction of the plant, noting that in case of a war with Iran, the plant could be converted into a defense plant that could produce more nuclear weapons for immediate shipment to Israel.

GE shrugged off concerns about the potential hazards of nuclear power plants, reminding the press that President Obama has recently endorsed such construction, and emphasized the amount of donations the corporation would be prepared to make to the President, were the Twin Towers plant to be approved. Not only would the President be assured of a bottomless war chest of funds to run for a second term of office, but enough funds would be left over to raise the salaries of the majority of the Supreme Court that issued the Citizens United court ruling.

The GE spokesperson ended the press conference by highlighting the fact that with Osama Bin Laden’s murder, there were simply no more terrorists capable of threatening anything or anybody on U.S. soil. Furthermore the widespread use of gang injunctions at home, and the construction of an 80-foot wall being built around the entire U.S., would, in combination, reduce crime significantly within the next 20 years. These assurances lay to rest any concerns that potential critics might have had.