Rupert: Will Use Seal Team Six if Necessary

Written by Andy Borowitz

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Speaking before a British parliamentary inquiry today, media titans Rupert and James Murdoch vowed to launch “a complete and full” investigation to determine who is running the company they are in charge of.

“Someone has been running News Corp. and as God is my witness I am going to find out who,” thundered the senior Mr. Murdoch.  “I will use Seal Team Six if need be.”

“Right now, we’re trying to figure out who is running the company by process of elimination,” he added.  “So far, the only two people we’ve eliminated are my son James and myself.”

Mr. Murdoch’s son James seemed equally in the dark about some basic matters, including his own place of birth as well as his first and last name.

At one point, when a Member of Parliament asked him to identify his father sitting to his left, the younger Mr. Murdoch said, “I’ve never seen this elderly gentleman in my life.”

There was a poignant moment in the proceedings when the senior Mr. Murdoch described the emotional toll the News Corp. scandal had taken on him: “People have been saying such terrible things about me, I’ve stopped listening in on their conversations.”

At one point towards the end of the hearing, an unidentified man lunged towards Rupert Murdoch, causing Mr. Murdoch to exclaim, “Police!  Catch that man!  He might be the man who’s running News Corporation!”

Today’s inquiry was historic because it marked the first time that British politicians have spoken to Rupert Murdoch while not onboard his yacht.