I usually do a lot of footwork first before I write an edition of Inspection when I know I don’t understand a subject as well as know I should, but I’m not even sure there’s an answer here, so I’ll ask my readers…

What the hell is wrong with Texas?

Unlike the target of my angst here, I admit: I don’t know. I would say “clueless,” but really “clueless” usually involves not admitting you don’t know: especially to yourself.

Having been there twice in my life; once to be the best man in a wedding and another to judge beer at the Blue Bonnet Brew-off: a mega contest, I can tell you after only two brief stays I met many a thoughtful, wise, person from Texas. Even the guy on the pub crawl who bopped me in the head with a small statue of Louis Pasteur wasn’t “stupid.” A bit tipsy? Oh, yeah. But not “stupid.” Yes, he was a right winger, and a rather animated one from what I heard of the conversation at a nearby table before personally I met the plaster version of the other Louie Louie. Perhaps way too doctrinaire, considering the running faucet of talking points he became when arguing politics with a fellow beer judge before he picked up the small 2 foot high figure and crept up behind me. But otherwise he walked as straight as one does even at the end of a very long pub crawl. He didn’t fumble his words constantly, seemed intelligent enough despite being somewhat misinformed and a bit pickled. Besides, he was just pulling a practical joke and I just happened to turn around at the wrong time.

Being an occasional jokester myself I know the best punchlines can unintentionally punch the jokester. In fact without backfired plans some cartoons wouldn’t be funny. Wiley E. Coyote would have burped out all that’s left of Road Runner long ago.

The only negative I can attest to for sure in the case of statue humor is, “Ouch, that hurt, Dude!”

But all I have to do is mention George W., or Rick Perry, and how they behaved on the national scene, and you should get my point here. And George didn’t even come from Texas originally. He was a Connecticut Yankee.

And they’re not the only ones, I’m sure.

I understand we have our O’Donnells, our Palins, our Becka-Becka-Stan-Stan Cains. But when it comes to one state that seems to have the most fertile ground for politician driven idiocy? Texas. For example: two totally inept Texans in a row running for the top office in the land? What are the odds? Plus there’s a difference between getting caught by your own mouth’s utterances like being the victim of your own personal Venus flytrap, but otherwise seeming moderately intelligent… a difference between that and coming off as just plain unintelligent, arrogant and clueless. There’s a dull witted look in the eyes, a smarmy swagger that doesn’t get they’re the joke that leads many of us to think we need to be overly kind to the poor souls. Someone who needs constant prompting… or just to be placed somewhere where they can get help. That’s what seems to be fertilized and grown as the cream of the crop: worthy of presidential aspirations, in Texas these days. A clueless-ness that takes pride in the very fact of being so clueless. While they aspire while in office to turn all of America into an Idiocracy, as in the movie of the same name.

When a politician crosses the Texas border to run for national office these days does that border infect them with multiple diseases: fumble-itis, bumble-itis, and the inability to keep from being rude beyond belief? Is there some viral source at the border that not only infects them with mind numbing forgetfulness, or just ignorance, but makes then act as if ignorance, and not remembering what they themselves have said over and over, are good things? Both making them better qualified to hold the highest office in the land? And acting as if having an ounce of intellect is something to be mocked rather than expected in someone seeking the highest office in the land?

Should we forget all this fence-y stuff for the border with Mexico and fence in Texas instead? With high voltage and guards trained to shoot pols on sight: problem solved. Just put it on the side pointed towards D.C., because I’m pretty sure, like the villains in Blazing Saddles, they’re not smart enough to figure out they just have to go around.

Thinking just isn’t their “thing.”

Remember George’s, “I don’t think about him much anymore?” “Not think” about the man who killed thousands of Americans on your watch? Who in their right mind would come out in public and say something like that unless they’re a social dolt beyond belief? Almost as if Osama was nothing more than just some lover who promised the moon, had sex with America one night, then left before we woke up. Damn that cad! What “lucky” country is getting his airplane nose wang up their buildings now?

And I friggin guarantee: if Perry does become president he will rival George. In fact I suspect Perry really will make Bush seem to be “the smart one,” as some comedians claim. Now I must admit: there’s no absolute shortage of this from other presidential wannabes, but the sheer volume of Texan derived dumbness; a blank cruel clueless look in the eyes that shoots out of the public servant birth canal of Mother Texas, seems far more substantial to me. Talk about anchor babies, could this be the national office seeking version of Colbert’s grappling hook baby?

Has Texas become the political womb from Hell?

What the hell is wrong with Texas?

But is it only Texan Republicans who now play Goofus to the Dem semi-Gallants? You see I’m trying hard not to shoot a purely partisan arrow here: I really want to know. And I’m certainly not going to subject myself to listening to all the Texas pols out there to find out how many of either party are like this in Texas. I find this kind of arrogant, ignorant, socially inept personality so impossible to listen to, or even tolerate: I just won’t do it. I’m willing to admit… I am absolutely no polished apple, socially. I even can enjoy a well placed, creatively done, fart joke on a rare occasion, and have been known to make a joke and the party grows suddenly silent at least once in my life. But good God, hell no, I won’t subject myself to listening to Texan pols to find how many are like Perry or W. just to my question. I’m really not into S&M, despite the fact I managed to live through the Bush years rather than swallowing what comes out of both barrels of a 12 gauge.

Perry gives me that, “Oh, damn, I’d better lock up the over and under if he gets to be president” feeling again.

Anybody out there from Texas willing to take a crack at my question? I ask my readers. Please: enlighten me.

What the in the bloody hellis wrong with Texas?

-30-

Inspection is a column that has been written by Ken Carman for over 30 years. Inspection is dedicated to looking at odd angles, under all the rocks and into the unseen cracks and crevasses that constitute the issues and philosophical constructs of our day: places few think, or even dare, to venture.

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