Monthly Archives: November 2009

The Tattlesnake The Tiger Woods Rumor Theater Edition

“The Tiger’s Fuzzy Tale”

A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.

ELIN WOODS: “So you’re telling me you haven’t talked to that woman in six months!”

TIGER WOODS: “Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely.”

EW: “You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!”

TW: “Ulp!” [Audible gulp] “Look, I’m getting out of here until you’re more rational. I can’t talk to you when you’re crazy like this.”

[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]

EW: [Enraged] “Don’t you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!”

TW: “What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW’s arm with the club.] “OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!”

EW: “You’re not running out on me, you little creep!”

TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] “I’m not running out on you I’m just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!”

[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]

TW: [Yelling out the driver’s side window] “You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!”

[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]

EW: “Ha, ha serves you right you steaming pile of crap!” [Mood changes to concern] “Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?”

TW: “My arm isn’t right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I’m okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin’ car!”

EW: “You’d better go to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”

TW: “Wait, wait! Don’t call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first.”

EW: [Skeptical] “Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this.”

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What about the wildlife?

Herd About It?

by Ana Grarian

I was dreaming last night about our farm. In the dream I was sitting on the back porch enjoying a cup of coffee and looking down over the valley. The woodlot at the back of the property was golden with fall leaves. The corn field was drying down for harvest. The hayfield was starting to show new growth after third cutting and cows were grazing on the long southern field. Deer were eating the grass along the hedgerow. In the side yard my young apple trees were bent with apples. The grapevines in need of picking. Tomatoes were just about done and the brussell sprouts were looking tempting. Off and on a squeal could be heard from the pig pen as they pushed each other away from the feeder. Read more

Club Update: Escambia Bay Home Brewers

Pensacola Area

If you have not RSVP’ed Jim Martin for the Christmas Party please do it quickly. We are trying to get an idea as to who will be in attendance so we can get the names on all the $1000 checks that will be given away at the door. Opps, after checking with Santa the $1000 check will have to stay on your wish list (none of you have been that good this year), but it will be a great party and we don’t want you to miss it. If you haven’t already, let us know you’re coming as soon as possible(bring Beer).

It may have been cold but we home-brewers “Brewed” yesterday and ended up with 30 gallons of beer and 10 gallons of cider. We also bottled 5 gallons of Blake’s ShWheat beer with the club’s beer gun. Actually we had a pretty good turnout considering the cold weather. Blake made Pale Ale, Buddy and Kellie made Honey beer, Ryan made a “Big” Brown beer and Laura & I made Hard Cider. We got pointers & support from Mark, Ralph, Sean, Gary, Jill, Tim & Diane, Jim and a couple neighborhood friends.
Mark brought us a few beers that are not available locally and Jill brought several great homebrews that were enjoyed (Even the one wth the peppery spice) by all. We finished just as the sun was setting.

Saturday the 12th – Christmas Party at Ozone at 4:00pm (Bring Beer)
Friday the 18th – Hot Glass Cold Brew at The Belmont Art Center 5:00pm (We need more beer!)

Pat Johnson

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