Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Myth of the Christian Conservative

Jesus: He'll trip you out

As far as we can tell and if he actually existed, Jesus was a shaman. A seer. A radical. A wild and divinely possessed trickster and spiritual pathfinder. What’s more, it’s possible that he was frequently stoned. Hallucinating. Hey, lots of them were. Wouldn’t you be? Psychoactive plants have been used to commune with sacred realms since cavemen scribbled trippy hieroglyphs on the wall by moonlight. It’s just what gurus, mystics and saviors do.

I realize none of this is exactly news, the idea that Jesus’ life, teachings and level of shamanistic eccentricity are actually diametrically opposed to the tortured, guilt-hurling figure of righteousness the church founders and the Roman empire jointly canonized a few hundred years later. They took the anti-authoritarian shaman and stripped him of all mysticism, modesty, and divine love, and turned him into the ideal spokesman for the world’s first corporate megabrand. They created the Son of God™. Accept no substitutes. Or else.

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Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New “Intelligent Falling” Theory


KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

“Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, ‘God’ if you will, is pushing them down,” said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

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